On Liam Payne - another tragic casualty of the Boy Code?

I've worked therapeutically with many suicidal people over the years - including myself. And I've found one consistent symptom among all the males - excessive shame.

Shame, I'd argue that is largely accumulated through attempts to reach the ill-defined and conflicted heights of what William Pollack* so deftly defined as; 

'The Boy Code' - the masculine imperative that defines boys adolescence. 

Pollack's model was born from 20 years researching boys lives during the 80's and 90's.

If you're unfamiliar with the universally agreed upon (but rarely spoken of) Boy Code - here are the headlines.

• Stand on your own two feet and be independent - always.

• Separate from mum and all things female fast - or you'll be a ‘sissy/wuss/puff’.

• Never show any feelings (except anger). Any vulnerability will be shamed.

• Macho behaviour, cruelty, bravado and banter are all revered.

• Stay on top and in the limelight.

• Sex is conquest.

• Never give in or really listen.

• Under no circumstance show your fear of violence.

• Don’t ‘grass’ on any boy that does something harmful.

A helpful code for a war zone or battlefield? Maybe. 

Unfortunately, being bound by such an unhealthy gender straight-jacket indefinitely, can manifest fatal levels of shame for any heart and mind to cope with. 

How so?

By piling up the most common effect of Boy Code adherence - ungrieved losses. 

Losses: those loved or valued people, things and wishes that we've either had and

lost, or hoped for and never came to be. 

A relationship, friend, family member, partner or pet - a friendship, family unit, home, or community - the parents we wished for or wished to be - plans unfulfilled, regretful acts, or a childhood stolen through forced maturity. 

The lists can grow long and heavy, and the price both ourselves and our loved ones pay for avoiding them, can be extreme. 

So what can be done? How do we reinstate healthy natural masculinity? Aligned to our natural vulnerabilities as well as our strengths.

Solutions are varied and personal. That said, one approach seems universal in its capacity to create change and in doing help others begin to share their fears and vulnerabilities more readily.

Model it. 

Show that it's possible to be bravely vulnerable - by being bravely vulnerable yourself. 

• Express when you're struggling.

• Work to acknowledge and grieve your losses**.

• Call out shaming when you see it.

• Admit when you're scared. 

Then, when you notice people begin to open up - listen. 

Make space for them -and listen. 

Try not to let your anxiety push gratitude or a solution onto them (or a silent moment) before they've even found the words to finish their sentence - and instead - just listen.

If that sounds like a lot, take it gently. 

Change is difficult. Always. For everyone. 

If you continue to struggle to model an alternative, it's possible that you've buried too many losses yourself and as a result lack the capacity to bear hearing anyone else's. Excess anxiety, frustration, anger, intolerance or cynicism when others are sharing, are the usual suspects.

If so you might consider consulting a professional to help you grieve yours by getting you out of your head and begin to reconnect you with the feelings in your body. Modern somatic approaches make the process far more accessible than years of analysis for many people.

Alternatively you could seek out a community group, to connect with and add the perspective of others lives to yours if one on one support feels too hard. Either way, take it gently.

And if your instinct upon reading this suggests that Pollack's findings are dated, it may be worth pausing to reflect upon the behaviour you witness in yourself and those around you day to day. 

While I'm hopeful that the Boy Code is less prevalent in our children's playgrounds and parks than during my youth, it's worth remembering that it's the water their fathers and grandfathers swam in, and as such requires our attention if preventing others from drowning in its toxicity is our collective goal.

Finally - I should also mention that the Boy Code is by no means exclusive to males. Female clients of mine have also had to overcome similarly unconscious codes, learned either as a response to early losses, or to enable connection in male groups to ease a sense of isolation from their own gender. 

As I said, change is difficult. Always. For everyone. 

* Real Boys - Rescuing our sons from the myths of childhood - William Pollack 

**Grief Works - Julian Samuel